I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!