9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.