Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
You Might Also Like
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles