Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
You Might Also Like
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I love the National Park Service.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you