Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
i wish i could marry a nap
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.