Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.