The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
You Might Also Like
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
i will not be silenced
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”