7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.