Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Rooting for the overdog
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.