*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs