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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.