Shoo shoo! 😂
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I’m sure it’s fine.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Damn what did I do next
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.