computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
nyc:
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.