I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬