Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds