The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
What’s a Messi?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it