In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine