I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.