We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
This guy gets it.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.