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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.