[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
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My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.