The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.