If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
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Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working