Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
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just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
This January has 47 Mondays
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Love is always patient and kind.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.