Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
How can I say no to this ?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.