*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
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3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
he’s doing your taxes
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
You wish you had this many chins.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.