“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
thanksgiving should be called feaster
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?