Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
You Might Also Like
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”