I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
next level snooze
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*