Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
“what that mouth do?” complain
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
RT if you know someone like this!!!