If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
i love meeting boys on tinder
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Always 🥴
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.