i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 living in the year 2021looking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I know I鈥檓 getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can鈥檛 think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I鈥檓 just being sarcastic, lighten up.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili鈥檚*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year鈥檚 resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
the gym I鈥檝e been going to isn鈥檛 helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.