Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel