I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
You Might Also Like
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Finally! 😈
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
From my Mom
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”