Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm