Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
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Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”