And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
did it work
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.