Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
You Might Also Like
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.