if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
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I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”