A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I just ran a .003048K
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.