Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
You Might Also Like
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.