A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
lol
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
The little toadstool has spoken.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.