I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision