Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
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The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE