turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
TRAIN’S HERE
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”