HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Sorry I made promises on Friday
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis