Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war