People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Brb my Sims are getting married
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]