Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )