that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
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My background check bounced.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Fights fire with marshmallows
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again